![]() This being probably the only era in history where people went to England to make their lives MORE interesting. For want of something to do, and in the wake of Norway being peacefully united under Harald Fairhair towards the end of the first millennium and becoming all lame and non-murdery, Eivor decides to sail to medieval England to start a new life. The plot of Assassin’s Creed Valhalla concerns Eivor, a Norwegian warrior whose parents are killed by another Norwegian warrior, but who gets revenge before the prologue is over, which, much like most of the beards involved, leaves things at a bit of a loose end. So everyone piles into the fun bus to enjoy some cleaving in twain but Ubisoft, who let’s not mince words, are all over the fucking place these days, stands in front of the fun bus to go “Ooh, don’t forget, the Vikings were a nuanced people who also did a lot of trading and colonising when they weren’t cleaving stuff in twain, historical accuracy, this game was developed by a multicultural group of extremely large beards and all that.” And I can’t help feeling there’s a bit of wanting to have one’s roast boar and eat it going on here, as we and our group of hairy tattooed raiders run up to an English monastery to smash all the windows and set fire to everyone’s pubes, and then a monk gets caught in the melee between me and the poorly equipped Saxon bodyguard who was just trying to do his job and the game goes “Whoops, don’t kill civilians, or you’ll desynchronize!” The implication being that killing innocent monks is in some way out of character for someone who is, at that precise moment, pillaging a monastery. It’s not just that we get to cleave motherfuckers in twain for looking at us funny, it’s that we can do it with a silly accent and a nice beard. Maybe it’s because it hits all the right notes. Anyway, Vikings and Norse mythology have always been fairly prevalent in the world of video games. If they announce Assassin’s Creed Deadwood next year I guess you can all blame me. Hey! Is that a Ubisoft drone? Oh shit it’s taking notes! Sorry everyone, don’t know how they keep getting in here. Fair play to Assassin’s Creed, it held out longer than a lot of series would, I mean, it did the fucking American War for Independence before it did vikings, that’s like forcing yourself to eat all the party napkins before you can have any of the birthday cake, but there’s no putting off going full Viking forever. God of War did it, Assassin’s Creed are doing it, that new Elden Ring thing that From Software are doing isn’t strictly full Viking I know but it’s definitely giving it some funny looks. The point was, in the games industry, it seems to be only a matter of time before you go full Viking. Anyone who’s ever been forced to listen to Norwegian black metal? Yes, thank you. ![]() Who doesn’t like Vikings? English monasteries? Oh right. We have a new merch store as well! Visit the store for brand new ZP merch.
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